Duh.

So I realized that I am the root of me feeling so poopy lately. I am going to seek therapy because I have many things I need to get closure on or work through. I realize that I was becoming dependent on Zack, because it is a habit of mine. And so I talked to him about it and he is very supportive. I am going to spend a lot of time on myself and do the things I love.
This week has been super successful, I have been so sick that I have been working and staying home. Not to mention I have been working 10 hour days.
Last night was the first night Zack spent the night in a week. It was nice and then he left for work right after breakfast and I went to good will with Erika.
Tonight I am going to a birthday party. :)
I have been calling a lot of therapists but none are available when I am not at work. I am going to talk to my boss and see if I can work something out on a lunch break or something because I really need this.

I am on the right path, it's not going to be easy to deal with these things but after it's going to be much easier.

Poll

Raise your hand if you actually read my posts.

Being selfish is good.

I talked to a very awesome friend and he gave me some good advice, I am feeling a lot more sane. He said that I make the same mistake that most girls make, I stop doing things for me and start doing what I think wants me to do, which is not at all a good idea. I don't even realize I am doing it until I am angry and wonder why I am so resentful.
So I am going to say "no I am not available, I am doing _____" insert things I have been wanting to do. It seems so simple but really dating is just a bunch of silly little things you have to remind yourself about. I am going to focus on me!
:)

Ugh

Hi, how are you? Yeah, that's cool. Oh, how am I? A big cranky bitch!
Last night I wound up having a quiet fight with Zack, I sort of verbally attacked him because I had been stuck at his house for two days. I thought after minor surgery and having a respiratory infection, being at my boyfriends house would mean being loved and taken care of... nope. I was basically alone the whole time, he did run to the store for me once but he went off with friends then came home and played video games. Up the next morning with about 20 minutes to get to work, said he didn't even have time to talk to me. It felt really shitty and I couldn't even take the bus home because I couldn't exactly walk anywhere.
While we were hashing it out and I was exclaiming how frustrated I am that I come take care of him while he is sick, and that I do all sorts of things for him such as cleaning his room and he won't even spend one evening stuck inside with me, he told me that he has been needing space.

Space.

"I still love you but I've been needing space."

I am sure he doesn't know how that sounds. After we argued and I cried and he admitted that he has been selfish he invited me out with he and his friend Sam (a girl, who he has had a fling with in the past) I was so crazy from being inside that I shoved my poor foot into a shoe and said okay. We weren't out for very long because Sam was being really strange and declared after about an hour that she wasn't feeling well. She kept referring to Zack and I as being on a date and seemed really jealous. It was very, very lame. So she dropped us off at Zack's house and went home. Zack got the keys to his mom's car and drove me home.

I got home, talked to my room mate for a little while and then went to sleep. I had a night mare that I discovered through a mutual friend that Zack and Sam had sex while Zack and I were together. I was furious, and hurt and confronted Zack- he said it was only about four or five times. I screamed and cried and then my dream skipped over to where Sam was, sitting with one of our mutual friends. I told her I knew what she had done and then my dream turned into a very unfair WWF fight where I proceed to punch her in the face and pull her hair until I was covered in blood.

This morning I woke up with dried tears on my face, my phone was blinking because it was dying and I remembered that I had accidentally dipped my phone charger into some tea while I was sick.
So my phone is dead, I am a gimp and I obviously have some kind of unresolved issues with Zack's ex lovers. I think this is a good opportunity to spend a week to myself. I did send Zack a facebook message asking for my other phone charger which he lost somewhere in his house. Aside from that I won't be talking to him.

I hate to admit it but the feelings I am feeling are angry and hurt, I don't know if it's residual from the dream or from last night. I just feel worn out from being so selfless and having not much in return. Sometimes I feel like it's all good so long as Zack is entertained, like I am entertainment for him but when it comes down to the actual relationship part (aside from going out and having fun together) he kind of falls short. This isn't the first time I have had a conversation with him because he just isn't thinking of me at all, and the other time wasn't that long ago.

So I am going to break myself from being so involved with him. Yes he is my boyfriend, and I love him but he doesn't have to hold such a huge allotment of my time and energy. Maybe that is what I always do wrong in my relationships, I wear myself thin.

I am what is most important and I am going to enjoy my phone being dead, turn my computer off and spend some serious time on me.

Any suggestions on self-esteem building activities, or free ways to pamper yourself?

<3