Fade

Letting you fade is going to be one of the harder choices I have made. Taking my energy out of the loop, no more intake, no more feed back. Silence between us will soon seep into the crevices where you have always hid. You will fade like an old newspaper clipping, I will stop checking to see that the story is still true and once the significance is lost on me I will throw it away. Our memories will decompose like the beautiful fall leaves, mere fragile skeletons by the thaw of spring. When the sun shines warm again I will have forgotten all the little things that left me hanging for dead, from a string with no substance on the other end. Religion, dreams and hope are all the same to me. Abstractions to keep us moving through this disheartening reality. It's the tunnel when you're really on a treadmill in a dark room watching T.V. Your lack of initiative speaks volumes to me- no words from your mouth could remove what you have already said in so many missed opportunities to prove you really love me. And speaking of dreams and false realities, what is love but a word we keep speaking to cover up the sound of death, creaking the floor boards as he is creeping into our bedrooms to take us, one by one, always alone. By letting you fade I am beginning the end of so many things. Seeing for what is, defense mechanisms created by a hurt little girl, scared and vulnerable, who needed a dream to look forward to. I am not that little girl, I am now a woman, strong and powerful. I don't need dreams because my life is under my control. My delusions no longer help me get through to the next day, dreams of "real love" only hold me back and bring me pain. And so I am letting go, "for real," watching, letting you fade. I look forward to the spring, and a life all for one and that one is me.

Les rêves de ce fleuve exécuté légèrement.

Happy hormones!

Berry Mish Mash,
I'm listening to an awesome french jazz station online. Christmas happened this afternoon, K.D. and I showed up late and everything completely lacked the regular christmas feeling.
I finally started my period- thank god! However since it's been two months I feel horrible, all I want to do is sleep and cry. Birth control is a good thing, getting off it feels terrible.
Every holiday just makes me feel, I don't know the word. Empty? I'm debating taking antidepressants again, I got off them about two months ago or so. However I don't want to water down my life- feeling sad isn't the end of the world.
I have an interview tomorrow, so cross your fingers! I really need to stay busy and would like money to build up in my bank account so I can go on silly adventures and actualize all of my goofy day dreams. I just want to wander around a big foreign city. Show up to my friends houses unannounced in san fran and missippi.
Being single is very freeing, however it would be much more so if I had money. Ever since I moved back to Seattle I have been struggling with money and it makes me feel like a failure. I know that's ridiculous, and that many people are struggling but I feel like I shouldn't be. I just shouldn't, I'm smart and capable of so much, why don't I have more going on with my life? I ask myself these things but then I don't have an answer for what I want to do.
Well that's not true, I want to sing. I want to sing my heart out for everyone to hear, but lately I've just been stuck being sad and unproductive. I am meeting up with Charlee's drum instructor on Friday to talk about working on a project together. It's a song I got hired to sing but didn't have any musicians to play the track music. He plays everything and can record it all high fi. I looking forward to it, I just want to start actually doing things with my talent. And Chris (the guy) said that if we hit it off he would like me to sing for his other projects, he has been searching for a female vocalist.
My blues band is awesome, however on hiatus for the holidays and because we don't have a practice space or single time we can all meet. It will come together, I believe in this group because we all enjoy each other. It's fun, and singing blues is so incredibly appropriate right now.

I hope you're all full of smiles.

Dry

I haven't been drinking for the past three weeks and the other night I had the inspiration to make the first painting I've made in months. It felt really good to accomplish something and I really liked it afterward.
It's ink on butcher paper.