Fade

Letting you fade is going to be one of the harder choices I have made. Taking my energy out of the loop, no more intake, no more feed back. Silence between us will soon seep into the crevices where you have always hid. You will fade like an old newspaper clipping, I will stop checking to see that the story is still true and once the significance is lost on me I will throw it away. Our memories will decompose like the beautiful fall leaves, mere fragile skeletons by the thaw of spring. When the sun shines warm again I will have forgotten all the little things that left me hanging for dead, from a string with no substance on the other end. Religion, dreams and hope are all the same to me. Abstractions to keep us moving through this disheartening reality. It's the tunnel when you're really on a treadmill in a dark room watching T.V. Your lack of initiative speaks volumes to me- no words from your mouth could remove what you have already said in so many missed opportunities to prove you really love me. And speaking of dreams and false realities, what is love but a word we keep speaking to cover up the sound of death, creaking the floor boards as he is creeping into our bedrooms to take us, one by one, always alone. By letting you fade I am beginning the end of so many things. Seeing for what is, defense mechanisms created by a hurt little girl, scared and vulnerable, who needed a dream to look forward to. I am not that little girl, I am now a woman, strong and powerful. I don't need dreams because my life is under my control. My delusions no longer help me get through to the next day, dreams of "real love" only hold me back and bring me pain. And so I am letting go, "for real," watching, letting you fade. I look forward to the spring, and a life all for one and that one is me.